Saturday, December 31, 2011

Whither Keifus?

[Wither, Keifus?]

I am not a big one for year-end rememberances--a little of that sort of thing goes a long way--and yet 2011 seems to have been an odd one. Much as I hate to admit it, they do get their little marks. For sheer gusto and quality, 2007 was something of an apex, with better writing and better participation in that world. Most of what I proudly remember having said happened in that year. Belt-wise, 2004 was fat, and 2006 was thin for me (2010 was fattest of all, and 2011, thin again--I blame fad yo-yo dieting for everything), and the early 2000s were the most formative kid years, remembered for the sink into the quicksand of bright-eyed dependency, watching my body make the decision to start aging as a couple of new little humans sucked out my essence. 2005 was a terrible year of work, and 2011 witnessed an even deeper career low, with employment held by a thread, and saved by an eleventh-hour appeal. I got a new job, starting on the first Monday of next year, pulling it off about three seconds before the old one stopped paying me once and for all. 2011, in general, counts for a year of massive re-evaluation.

The good ole Fray, which accounts for nearly all of my readers and the majority of my real friends, gave up its last breath in this year and took down valued memories with it. Although it's something long since left behind, watching it go is a sort of writing milestone, a reminder that it's been hard to write to the world, to play music, to read this year, and I know the blog has suffered. Love in 2011 seemed more improbable, less deserved, and more deeply squandered than ever before. And it's funny too, because the bottom of 2010 was so abysmal that I worked my ass off to turn things around. Success, right? I took on all sorts of new directions... and I just don't know if any of them went anywhere. I am still a wreck, but I feel I'm a much different wreck. And I sort of miss those bright eyes of mine. In 2012, I'll be fucking forty.

Anyway, I sort of thought something should get penned for December. In the heady months of 2007, I was beating one post a week, but lately, I've just been so distracted. I have a couple book reviews pending, and I've been seriously considering embarrassing myself at poetry one more time, held back only by how bad the old ones were. I'll be around, but who knows in what capacity. Bigger and smaller seem equally possible.

Happy new year n shit.